Ok. So me and my girlfriend were discussing buying a dog. She went "browsing," and - as usually happens when she goes browsing - she made a purchase. I was initially pissed at not being consulted. So I insisted that I have full control when choosing the name.

So without further adieu, let me introduce our new dog, Pepe Q-tip.

Here are some photos. Use the control arrows to flick through the photo album:






And a short video clip:



Tags: China, Chinese, Dogs, Dalian, Newfoundland, Pekinese Dog, newfie, Chinese Dog, pandapassport, Pepe Q-tip





July 30 Update: Ok. I've given Pepe Q-tip some middle names, based on something ridiculous that happened today.

Today my girlfriend was lying on the sofa, with the dog - in turn - lying on her. Pepe then decided to get up and try to jump off the sofa. My girlfriend, still pretty enamored with this dog, kept him up with her a little while longer. It was at this point that Pepe peed on her belly.

That's funny right? What's even better is that the pee made a perfect question mark on her belly. Unfortunately it dried before I could get decent batteries in the camera.

So anyway, Pepe's new name is now officially Pepe "R-Kelly" "Riddler" Q-tip.

Just rolls off the tongue doesn't it?

Sometimes when I hear Chinese people talking about "Standard" Putonghua accent (or Chinese with no discernable "twang") I kinda get a bit fed up.

I'm from Newfoundland in Canada, a place where accent is definitely intertwined with culture - and I'm kinda sad that over the years I've mostly lost my "around-the-bay" Newfie accent. If ya want to hear a sample of that, check out my grandmother on the radio.

Anyway, one thing I like about Dalian, here in the Northeast of China, is the "Dongbei-ness." (Dongbei literally means "East-north"). When I chat some Chinese people about this topic, many seem to think that "fangyan" or local accents are bad things that should be shed like yesterday's dandruff. What the hell is that?

But in some parts of the media, I'm glad to say Dongbeity is indeed being celebrated. Just check out this little tune made famous a few years back. It was the title song for a sitcom. The tune goes:
"We are all Dongbei people."

which in standard Mandarin should sound:
"Women dou shi Dongbei ren"

but in fact, here' in Dongbei, it sounds:
"Anmen dou si Dongbei yin"

Check out the song for yourself below:



Or if that doesn't grab your interest, how about Dongbei Tom and Jerry?







Tags: China, Chinese, Dongbei, Dalian, Newfoundland, Northeastern China, newfie, Chinese Language, pandapassport, Tom and Jerry in Chinese, Tom and Jerry Dongbei Style

So today I flag down a taxi. Taxi stops in the middle of what was a relatively narrow side street. A bus, behind this taxi, naturally cannot pass. But the bus driver obviously knows what's going on. He see's me walking to the cab. He know's it's my intention to get in the cab. And he knows it's the cab drivers intention to wait while I get in.

So why is it that in a situation like this, when this bus driver has no hope in hell of getting past - why is it that he resorts to leaning on the horn, and annoying the beejesus out of everyone within earshot? For those of you who have been in China, how many times have you been in a traffic jam, where the majority of drivers blow their horns pointlessly, despite the fact that traffic is at a standstill? It's baffling.

I had to pause for a moment before I got in the cab, and just give this guy my version of the care-bear-death-stare. To which he reply's with a frantic waving "hurry-it-up-already-stupid-laowai" motion of the hand. To which I reply with a finger to my lips "shussshhh" motion. It wasn't until he stopped that I got in the cab.

But as soon as I sat in the passenger seat, what does he do but start again!

Why are drivers here so horn crazy? (or horny, if you have an immature mind like my own).

Here's my theory. They're just not interpreting the road signs properly (see picture below).



Now, I don't know about you guys, but that kinda looks like a trumpet to me. If ya glance at it quick enough, and miss that round bit, that is... I mean, maybe... just maybe... Is it possible that the Chinese are misinterpreting this as a "No Trumpets" sign?

Naw that's just silly...

But then again, where have all the trumpet players gone?



Tags: China, Chinese, Dalian, Newfoundland, trumpet, horny, newfie, driving, pandapassport, Driving in ChiNa, China Taxi, annoying, taxidriver

This is a follow up to my July 7th 2006 story, Baseball Fever: Could the Next Ichiro be Chinese?

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Ok. Hypothetical question: What would happen if the Three Stooges fired Larry (I never liked him anyway) and hired Mike Tyson as a replacement? What would happen if they all just happened to be Chinese? I think it might go a little something like this:

Note: This actually happened. I translated this (roughly) from a Chinese news website, and I say roughly because my Chinese is not so good, and I also got a nice bottle of red wine on hand. Enjoy!

A peasant dude named Song, from Qiqihar, his buddy Ma, and four other guys came to do some work in Dalian. They usually get along pretty well. But on June 26th, they were drinking at a certain restaurant on Xianggong Jie, and ended up getting themselves quite pissed. When one of these guys suggests they play poker, our man Song says "I'm not playing with Ma. It's too friggin' boring."

Ma is a decent fella, and can take a joke. But after repeated insults, he gets more and more pissed off. He ends up throwing our man Song on the ground. A scuffle ensues, and after a lot of Chinese rough and tumble, Ma pulls a variation of a Mike Tyson and bites Song's nose. Song screams and tries to kick Ma away. But Ma has a firm grasp of Song with not only his hands, but his teeth as well. Finally, Song's nose comes completely off (yes, his nose comes off!) and Ma spits it on the ground. (bu hao chi ma?). Song, understandably surprised and shocked (and somewhat in pain) picks his nose up off the ground and runs to a nearby hospital.

The doctor sews Mr. Song's nose back onto Mr. Song's face, and eventually he recovers quite well. However there will be a bit of a scar.

On July 4, Song went to report the incident to the police, and they have started working on the case. But still have no leads as to Iron Ma Tyson's whereabouts.

Tags: China, Chinese, Chinese version of Mike Tyson, Dalian, Newfoundland, Nose bitten off, newfie, Mike Tyson, pandapassport, Drunken Chinese Fight, FIGHT CLUB CHINA!

Well, if you've lived in China for any amount of time, you have some idea of the Chinese media machine, how it works, and how it will bore you until your brain becomes like a piece of over-boiled cabbage. And boy do I hate cabbage...

Here are some examples. Here in Dalian, the only English news site is Runsky.com. This site, like most other Chinese-produced English language sites in China, has the information that China wants you to see. It is the outward face they want to show to the world. The mask of China, if you will. (Hi, Derek) So what are they showing us? It's mostly a bunch of Economic stats, and headlines like "Five fantastic Chinese Seaside Cities" or "Foreign Guests Favor Festival" or "Xiuxiu sells Seashells by the Xinghai Seashore." Ok well, I made that last one up. But you get the idea.

Another prime example of Chinese media (or lack of): In 2003, my first year in China, something big happened. I mean really big. A little mighty mouse, bastard of a flu-bug called SARS. Some variation of the corona virus, I heard. It is, to this day, the one and only time in my life when the word "Corona" had a negative connotation. God bless Mexico (or even Mexico wansui!!!!! maybe?). But I digress. During the early days of the SARS epidemic, most of us in China weren't aware that there was an epidemic. How did I find out?

My mommy phoned me. Yes folks, despite the fact that I was in China, I found out about SARS after my mother did. And she was living in sticksville Newfoundland - on literally, the other end of the planet. How nuts is that!

I just had an unusual conversation this evening with a taxi driver about this topic of Chinese media. When I said I was from Canada, he started out on a rant about different government systems and how the media are state-run here. He didn't seem to be happy at all with his, and I was kinda taken aback by his frankness. I told him that I usually don't suibian shuo (or speak freely, as I like) about politics in China. Especially with close friends, which I assured him, he now was. Chances are, my Chinese friends will likely be here forever, and I think it would be very irresponsible for me to constantly point out "hey, you know, you really live in a shithole." Maybe CCTV does know best? I won't go that far, of course. But this place is changing, and I guess it's doing so at it's own pace.

Me and this taxi driver did agree on one thing. Transparent government. My chinese is limited, so the best way I could explain was that Zhongnanhai (or, govt headquarters) should have more windows. He got a kick out of my little metaphor... I did too, to be honest.

So getting back on topic - What does a guy do for news (and/or entertainment) in this country? Well, there's always the DVD option. Pirated DVDs go for about 6rmb here in Dalian, and it is by far the most popular choice among my "foreign friends." But for news video?

But there are many online options. My personal favorite is CBC News (from back home in Canada. The National is an hour long news program that they show online in Real Audio, and I'll tune in a few times a week to stay abreast (hee hee) of proper world news. And then there's youtube.com, which is an infinite bank of crappy clips that I've seem to become addicted to. I'll usually watch either clips of the Daily Show or The Colbert Report. Not really news, but news + comedy which = friggin' funny...

That's great for me. But what about Chinese internet media? Well it seems like many Chinese people are also catching on, and starting to realize that the internet is a really neato alternative to the state-run boiled-cabbage zombifying. I recently discovered Toodou.com, the Chinese mirror of Youtube.com - for the couch potato in all of us... And god knows potato (tudou in Chinese) is a hell of a lot better than boiled cabbage. Toodou is a place where Chinese people can make their own videos and post them on the net for everyone to see. It's like a high-tech Chinese bathroom wall.

Just without the smelly hole in the ground...


Tags: China, Chinese, Chinese version of YOUTUBE, Dalian, Newfoundland, Zhongnanhai, newfie, Chinese Media, pandapassport, Corona, SARS

Ok. So with all this World Cup talk that's probably happening on all the other sites in the blog community, I decided to take this post in the other direction. Lets talk China baseball. Well, not really. It's way better than baseball!

I never thought baseball was a big sport in China. The first year that I was here, I brought my baseball glove only to leave it at the bottom of my suitcase for the duration of my trip. But something happened last night that tells me that maybe baseball is finally catching on in China. Pull up a chair, whilst I'll tells ya a story...

So last night I'm sitting at a local outdoor meat-on-a-stick (aka Yangrou chuanr) place. Sippin' some local beer, and enjoying the lively atmosphere that is synonymous with barbeques. Me and my two friends had occasionally exchanged pleasantries with the commoners at the table next to us. One of them spoke English and seemed to be itchin' to put it to use.

Anyway, us three laowais were about up to our elbows in yangrou grease when from out of nowhere came a man that can only be described as a cross between a fat smiling buddha and Ichiro Suzuki. Lets call him Mr. Baseball. One of the men sitting at the adjacent table (the folks we chatted earlier) was suddenly attacked from behind by Mr. Baseball, with (did ya guess?) a baseball bat. The first strike landed square on top of his skull, making a sound that I hope I never hear again. I really don't know how this guy stayed conscious. But this poor guy did manage to get up and run away, as the bad guy and his sidekick yibian chased him, yibian beat his ass. Yes, Mr. Baseball had a sidekick - every good vilian does - and his weapon of choice was a medium-sized metal stool. All together, about 4 or 5 hits were landed. A pretty decent slugging percentage if ya ask me. And yes, there was blood everywhere...

After the initial shock of this incident wore off, and we got back to our meat-sticks, I started thinking about how Mr. Baseball here had decided upon using a baseball bat. As I said, baseball is not at all popular in China, with the exception of maybe Taiwan "province," and not too many sports stores carry baseball bats.

But what about the stores that do have baseball bats? I'd be very curious to get a glimpse at their market research. When they stock bats on their shelves, are they actually anticipating that some Chinese kids are going to suddenly take an interest in the sport? Or are they aware of the criminal demand for baseball bats, and thus taking advantage of this market niche by kicking out a small supply.

I couldn't help but imagine how Mr. Baseball here purchased his bat. It probably went something like this:

A scary, massive, tattooed Chinese guy walks into a sporting goods store.
"One baseball bat please."
"Ah. You're gonna go play some baseball, are ya?"
"Yes, that's right."
"Here you are sir. Might I interest you in our new Archery sets?"


Tags: China, Chinese, Baseball in China, Dalian, Newfoundland, ichiro, newfie, Chinese ass whoopin', pandapassport, baseball, baseball bat

Ok. Well, I had a feeling when I started living with my girlfriend (an uber-spick-and-span neat-freak from Japan) that my standards of a "clean apartment" would likely clash with hers. Eventually something had to give. Either I clean up my act, or she accept living in my filth - ala Charlie Brown's friend Pigpen.

So after months of going from clean apartment to dirty apartment and back again, lather, rinse repeat - we decided to outsource.

We don't have a lot of free time recently, so instead of doing the housework ourselves, we thought it would be far better to just hire a local Chinese maid, or aiyi. She charges 15rmb per hour, which converts to about 2 bucks Canadian.



Ok ok... So she doesn't look like this, but she does make short work of the woolies under my sofa, and the tumbleweed that occasionally blows in front of the TV. Do I feel guity about paying her the cash equivalent of a bottle of Corona for an hour's work? I did initially when I was told the price. But she seems genuinely happy for the opportunity to get some work, so seeing her smiling on her way out the door helps me justify employing cheap Chinese labour. Everybody else is doing it, why can't I?

By the way, apparently there's been a "Maid Craze" in Japan, where people are going to cafes to be waited on by girls in French Maid outfits.

"Milk in my Coffee? Don't mind if I do..."

Anyway, if ya wanna do further research on this maid craze, check this video out. Japanese girls dressed as maids, spinning around on baseball bats until they become so dizzy that they simply must go bowling. That's quality television right there... Bo kyu bon!


Tags: China, Chinese, Dalian, Newfoundland, maid, japan, newfie, outsourcing, pandapassport, cheap, Maid Craze, labor, japanese, Bo Kyu Bon, japanese maid video